My confession even when I don’t really need one

8 December 2013

So here’s the thing…

My mom’s gone. And I am in a mess.

First of all, I haven’t even been able to accept this fact. I still sometimes wonder if I am in a dream. When I inform someone of her demise, all of a sudden my words turn around to question me, ‘Rashida, are you insane? Do you even know what you are saying?’

But well, apparently what I say is the truth. An irreversible truth of my life. And even though I still try to convince myself by assuming she is away just for a few days, and will soon return, the reality is she won’t.

My personality, my character, the way I behave and interact with people around me – be it family or friends or even strangers – has undergone a drastic change. There are times when I cling on to people because I seek some sort of emotional escape in their company, some security in their presence. And then there are times when I just don’t care about others, even if they are supposed to be my ‘best friends’. I just don’t feel like talking to them, or put in a more simplified way, I just don’t want to go through the entire process of pain all over again in an attempt to tell them how or what I feel.

I have also understood the true colors of a lot of people who claim to be different things to me. Not just negative, but positive too. I know now when people say ‘I’ll be there for you’, whether they actually mean it or not. And FYI, those who mean it, really make sure they are there for me, not just for sake of formality, but because they care. They understand what I need, when I need it and don’t judge me or bring random psychological concepts in between me and my grief. It’s pretty clear, the distinction between who wants to be there for me in front of the world, and who wants to be there for me.

I have distanced myself from a lot of people. I am moody, irrational and indifferent most of the time. Things don’t matter to me anymore. And neither do people who are fake 24/7. If something really does matter, I say it. And I also openly tell people when certain things just don’t bother me anymore. I don’t care of the consequences or what someone will think. I strive to move over and above these petty things every day.

I look at things and people around me and I find myself surprised thinking how crazy they are to waste their precious time over irrelevant stuff that’s going to mean nothing five years from now. I have started hating, rather despising people who I earlier thought I liked. And I have started hating things they do, hating concepts that exist in this world, hating a lot of such stuff that I previously held in high regard.

And why shouldn’t I? How am I supposed to deal with all this anyway? No school or textbook has taught me how to come to terms with everything that has happened! These are things I should have done long ago, but what can I say, I am learning this bitter truth the hard way.

Every time I close my eyes, memories of my mom fill up my thoughts, and the second I open them up, the emptiness she left behind haunts me. I can still see her telling me her last ‘Bye’ as she sat on the sofa on the morning of 21st August, Wednesday. I was leaving for work and how ironic can it be, that ‘Bye’ was her last spoken word to me. That one word keeps echoing in my mind all night and all day, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I still remember her face in the hospital, covered with the oxygen mask, trying to tell me something, just not knowing how to communicate. Her pain, her helplessness, her suffering, her anxiety, it’s all still alive in my memory.

My mind keeps wandering back to that time. What was it that she wanted to say? All this was so unexpected. We didn’t even have the opportunity to say goodbye to each other.

And how funny it is, that even though I remember all this so clearly, I don’t remember when was the last time I ate something that she had made or drank her signature tea, I don’t even remember the last time she actually cooked something, neither do I remember the last time she went on a drive with me, or the last time I told her that I will buy you gold bangles. It’s all blank.

She left me incomplete. So many things that we still had to do, so many things that we still had to say, so many experiences of life that we were supposed to live together. She will never bid me farewell when I get married, nor will she hold my new born baby in her hand. It will never be the same without her.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS MYSELF???

I try my best, and more often than not, I succeed in putting up a false façade every single day. I show people that I am happy, I laugh and talk as any normal person would, I go out for dinners and movies – all this in an attempt to slide back in normalcy. But what happens is completely opposite.

I end up using so much of my energy trying to curtail my true emotions and hide my tears that by the end of the day, I am fully drained of my strength to move on. Sometimes I regain that energy by dawn, but sometimes the stress is so much, that I don’t.

I cry. Everyday. And I cry so much. I cry while I take a shower in the morning, and on my way to work. I occasionally let out a tear during the day. I cry myself to sleep at night, and probably in my dreams too. I cry like there is nothing more to my existence than crying, especially at nights, when I don’t have anyone by my side.

I miss my mom. A lot. I desperately long for one embrace from her loving arms, one word from her melodious voice, one look at her beautiful face, one sip of her soothing tea, one piece of the soft rotis she made and the vegetables that I never ate. Just one. Once.

It’s already been more than 3 months and I am still so miserable. I don’t know whether I’ll remain this way for another few weeks or months or years.

And I am this way because I have lost my mom.

The mom who kept me inside her for nine months, who protected me from everything bad, who taught me all the good things about life, who understood me even when I did not know what to say, who ignored my mistakes, who loved me unconditionally and still does from up there.

And no words of condolence or “I’m there for you” will fill up this void. Because her loss is an irreplaceable one, and it has hollowed me from within, forever.

This was the confession I never intended to make, but the world around us, due to its negligence, sometimes forces us to do these things.

Rashida Khozema Badlawala

8-Dec-2013